sixuan

Sunday, October 22, 2006

i don't want to be impersonated ever (again).

honestly i feel TERRIBLE. all thanks to that impersonator person. PERSON PERSON PERSON that's terribleeeeeehhhh. grah. this is so complicated go awaaaayyyyy you ____ ___ like just go away because oh forget it.

but then i feel like from now on i have to CONSTANTLY blogsurf or else i'll suddenly find myself impersonated one day this is awful! ):

okay byebye, off to mope and MAKE SURE tiff knows that was NOT me being so vulgar on her blog. not that vulgar but like, NO. i did not say: wah kao..... shucker... lor..idiot /....sum sort of moron

okay but actually YES FINE IT'S QUITE FUNNY but still ):

Friday, October 20, 2006

exams are over (: yay super high, i feel LIBERATED. i haven't been online since last saturday, and then cher kindly helped me dispose of that easily-offendable post that i'd posted earlier. hahahaha I FEEL BAD BECAUSE I WNAD HER TO SAVE IT like i smsed her: can you either 1) help me delete it 2) help me save it in your comp for the time-being and well hellllooo she couldn't tell i was hinting at 2) more than 1) darn it :D

i'd taken forever to type it, so whoosh everything went down. and it was SUCH a clear representation of my deepest feelings so like. grrr but NEVERMIND,

moving on.

eoys ended today.
whooooosh! :D i am really really really happy, i haven't felt this free since. hurm the last time we had eoys (last year). eoys are HORRIGIBLE in the process, but the ending is like. omgosh. it's sheer bliss you'll never imagine. all that mugging, it pays off good. i worked hard mannnnnnxxxx I LAID OFF ALL SOURCES OF POSSIBLE TEMPTATION AND PERISH (ie., the computer and cable tv!) anyway anyway today after the paper we had this crpp survey thingo like hello i don't think it should be called a survey because it's more like a t e s t, except they wouldn't want to phrase it that way for fear noone would want to stay back because please. after exams, that's about it. bye bye tests. what does that word mean anyway luh?

okay what am i saying. point being, it was compulsory so ladeedah i think its NSW (: whee so fun. so after THAT, ah something happened i wasn't too happy but then me kimber cher wanting jolene went out (:

and we had fun.

and then i met up with sam rensyn.
and we had fun.

so yay, all in all, HELLO FUN TIMES!!!
i've wanted to say so much here over the week. like everytime i'm in the shower, some philosophical theory that TOTALLY makes sense to me will hit me in the head. and then i'll make a mental note out of instinct, to blog about it once i have the time to, but then i remember that i have to memorise a whole lot of hullabulloo for nasty subjects like histlitchemgeog and so i decide to set my priorities and not waste the darling memory space i need so much (:

-.-
i know i know. and you wonder how people can go nuts because of exams. well i don't anymore. i know for a FACT what the exams can do to your brain. if it's anything, it's almost hypnotism, i swear.

so anyway that aside, i feel really accomplished but most of all i feel thankful to alot of beings:

1) most high up of all, God.

no i don't think this sounds cliched. i honestly feel, from the bottom of my heart, that God has seen me through this all. all that emotional up and down, i know to most people i don't appear the most spirituall 'there'. but only i know myself the best, and i know God is enabling me to grow so i'll never turn my back on Him. i'll try my best not to. you know (no i'm not saying all this because i know my church counsellor or whoever will read it, she won't. so even if i proclaim myself to be the godliest of all here, NO it's nothing to that effect, they don't even know my url), countless times i feel like He's not there because everything just isn't working out. yesterday night for example, was living proof that God exists. i was really really breaking down because of darned similarity questions, and then i kept well crying at so many times off and on, and ranting to yuyue over the phone and stressing out both my brothers and my momsehs too and then i asked God why he wasn't helping me and then well. my second brother came upstrs and was like mei do you need help and then i was really FAN2 with him and just told him to go away, because dad would be coming home soon so he could help me --> he always helps me with math he's my tutor and then my brother was like see la mom i told you she don't want my help also what. then my eldest brother came up and was like eh i help you and then i did let him help me la. then after that dad came home and helped me. kind of like my dad replaced my brother, so KIND OF was like pushing my eldest brother away right.

so i figured. isn't this like. maybe God was trying to help me. and he took the place of my brothers. and then i kept pushing them away right, so this is like how i always push God away and then we turn arnd and go, where are you God? when actually. yeah. whatever it is, i know God was there through it all. maybe, even when we are horrible persons and we commit sins all day long, treat people badly and badmouth them etc., maybe God was still love us till the end of time. i want to change, to be a person that i am not ashamed of, to be someone i can call nice. it's really hard and countless times i just think so maybe God doesn't like me anymore, since i'm so sinful. i'll figure this out.

2) mr. de souza.

cus he helped me put my rs group's report on our mentor's table. friday i was frantic. HAHAHA FRANTIC FRIDAY :D i came to school, figured i'd forgotten to print a few pages of the report i was supposed to print - because of unforeseen circumstances the night before ie., miscommunication and so i called mom in the toilet and asked if she could print out those pages then bring when she came to fetch me. it was a mess i tell you. then shev and duck had gone home alrd so it was just me, my report and the phone outside the staffroom (not to mention the countless others panicking over not being able to find their mentors) then i was desperate cus somehow it was either the phone wasn't working or the teachers were just not at their tables, so i saw mr dee and begged him and he agreed nicely so there (: NICE TEACHER WE HAVE.

3) my family.

a lot a lot. family means a lot to me and i realize just how much i love them and would never, EVER!!!!! want my parents to grow old. i don't want my brothers to get married and leave home either, call me selfish but i'll miss all of them a lot when i finally die. staying at home, feeling depressed and stressed over exams, somehow i was really reminded that my family members are the best things that have ever happened to me, besides God, and friends. too much to explain.but so much felt.

anyway that's it for now. tomorrow is one entire relaxed day set aside for me to laze arnd, and for once, HAVE NOTHING TO DO (: okay now for tag-replies!

1) cheryl: I LOVE YOU! :D thanks for today, a listening ear and uh. yeah. for being there this year. anyway i'll ask. (:

2) amanda: i know i totally can't wait to go out with you too darling! :D whee we must WE MUST yes. NOdds.

3) simin: i want to talk to you so much too! there's always this awkward silence that can't be bridged when i see you arnd, save for a knowing smile :D love you.

4) yuhui: yuhui i love you too!

5) nora: only because she asked me to! :D

6) elaine lau: thanks for always showing interest in my posts (: hahaha you loser, i honestly don't see why you don't have anything else better to do - how sacrificial of your time!

7) kunhang&yanling: thanks, and hope you'll come here again to see thisuh (: love love love.

yay i'm done. OOOOH YES. i bought the china-packaged westlife album and jem too! :D wheeeeee bumblebeeeeeee lalala. oh. lastly, i feel kindof. SAD.

because we're changing classes.

): but then partially thankful too. oh i don't know. miss you 208. you've always been there. and always will.

in this little heart.

Friday, October 06, 2006

on a lighter note, class camp class camp CLASS CAMP '06! (011106) :D

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

i think i'm in mugging mood, sort-of (:

okay off i go now, ciao.
SEEEEEE TOLD YOU SO (:

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
And I don't borrow from the sunshine
'Cause the skies might turn to grey.

And I don't worry about the future,
'Cause I know what Jesus said,
And today I'm gonna walk right beside him
'Cause he's the one who knows what is ahead.

There are things about tomorrow
That I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

And each step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb.
And every burden is getting lighter
And all the clouds, their silver line.

And, I'll bet the sun it's always shining
And no tears will ever dim the eye
And the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains, they touch the sky.

There are many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
Yes I know who holds my hand.

today has been a whale of a day. A WHALE, ye hear me??????

but ultimately, emoword of the day is why is it noone tells me any of their problems anymore, there was a time when so many people did. and back then, it was THEN i felt loved, i felt relied on, i felt trusted and everything that boosts your confidence. so that's basically what i'm upset about.

other than that, yes yes. hours before i would have A TRUCKLOAD to say here but no, i've passed that phase because i sorted out all those feelings and i'm just going to say here that from now on, everything i say is going to be thought over carefully before it gets out. i'm tired of being the one hurting others, and this doesn't help me being a nicer person, does it.

the thing is, so many self-help books/spiritual ones and stuff keep telling me noone can make me feel small except God. so i've got to psyche myself into the 'change-things' mood. i'm going to suck out every bad thing i've done. ALL THE POISON. like mean girls yes.

go sixuan.

Monday, October 02, 2006

helllooooo.

earthling here is humongolousily feeling terrigible,
but she'll pass.
she'll get through to tomorrow.

Life is a Highway - Tom Cochan

Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Somethimes you bend and sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your head to the wind
There's a world outside ev'ry darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate
Break down the garden's gate
There's not much time left today
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long
Through all these cities and all these towns
It's in my blood and it's all around
I love you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights
Knock me down get back up again
You're in my blood
I'm not a lonely man
There's no load I can't hold
Road so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors
Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah
If you're going my wayI
wanna drive it all night long
There was a distance between you and I
A misunderstanding once
But now we look in the eye
There ain't no load that I can't hold
Road so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors
Life is a highwayI wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

(:
sixuan rocks. :D

Sunday, October 01, 2006

i really feel like crying right now. it's no use telling anyone why i feel this way cus i don't even understand it myself so noone will i guess. the thing is, i just feel DOWN. cus i'm not UP right, so i'm down. i feel like there's no point in carrying on this neverending journey of mugging, exams, schoolwork, stress, quarrels, smiling and frowning and the only incentive i can picture is the end of exams ): but BAH, that's so long away and between now and then, it's like forever. worse, the forever's a PAINFUL forever. i wouldn't mind it so much if it was actually just a longggg sleep away. oh, who wouldn't.

and then i feel friendless once again, this happens every once in awhile. i suddenly get the feeling i'm not well-liked and noone really cares/knows about me. and like granted i have close friends like steph and yuyue but still, it sucks all the same because how can they be there for you FOREVER? i mean, there will come a day when you'll have noone to turn to and then what do you do? ): i know i sound really negative and i've promised myself countless times to become a positive, better person. well i'm really trying very hard, but i just need some time and space to sort out my feelings.

i do as i please, i follow my instincts. today, my sad feelings made me decide to just KEEP USING THE COMPUTER, to rant and well basically just to get away from facing that gigarnormous pile of things i haven't done yet. well i don't even know very clearly what i have in store of me. i know i have philo summative but isn't that about it? so why is everyone getting so muggish mood and emo about mugging when well, it hasn't even OCCURRED to me, it's time i started mugging? meaning something is definitely wrong with me and i just can't bear the thought that ON TOP OF all the other insecurities i have like my weight my appearance my character/personality my friends my spiritual walk, you mean i ALSO have that added worry of studies now? like, come on man japanese exam just ended can't i take a break ): but then i know it's going to lead to my eventual peril.

and then i know that looks-wise and all that, i don't need to expect too much from myself at this point of time. what am i saying? never will God ever EVER expect me to be in shipshop condition right, i mean that's just not His way. He only cares about what's inside, doesn't He? so why do i care so much about what others think? then maybe I care about my appearnace, like even if noone said i was fat/ugly, i'd still think so. i mean i just feel like this has everything to do with my spiritual life which is slowly beginning to well fall apart. i feel like i'm actually CHOOSING not to just be in God's favour. as in, i'm actually CHOOSING to turn against Him, in a certain sense, to pursue earthly desires and such. isn't that horrible? i mean what has become of me, really.

so basically, point being: i'm really feeling quite shytttttyyyy right now and i know moping however long over here will NEVER help it'll just help me feel even more shyty and sluggish and that's not what i want anymore of. so let's make some resolutions shan't we: -

TO-DO LIST :D

philo journal (oh what the hell, at least read the darn notes)
run on the exercise machiney
shower
call up duck to confirm tmr
math
chem (read the darn textbook)
geog (read the darn textbook)
history (read the darn textbook)

let's not expect too much out of one night. bye. and yay blogger for listening (:

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WORDPLAY, nana-nana-na.